You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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