so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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