the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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