my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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