At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
