I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
