he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
