seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize