he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I forget how to act sober
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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