Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
