When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
