on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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