I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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