life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
