I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
