the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
