I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
