My sheets look like a crime scene.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
