YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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