So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
