THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
