I need to stop coming to work sober
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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