We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
