he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
