Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
