Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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