apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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