oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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