My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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