apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
