I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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