I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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