I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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