there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
