i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Im part way to drunk.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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