Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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