Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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