take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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