shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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