Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
