after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
