The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
