Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
