You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
