you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
