I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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