you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
