She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
