She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
