Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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