Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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