I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
