fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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