you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
