I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize