i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
