She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
