I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
