I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
